Am I Pursuing God or an Emotion?

I felt a surge of anxiety when I saw this person’s name on my caller ID.  I wasn’t about to take his call, so I ignored it.  I knew why he was calling.  My conversation with him the day before was disturbing and left me dealing with lapses of unwelcome anger.  It was 4:45 pm.  My day was almost over, and I didn’t want to spend my evening playing hot potatoes with my emotions.  I certainly didn’t want another conversation playing defense against angry accusations. 

I had two companies competing to lease the same property.  In many cases, this is a good problem to have.  Today, it wasn’t.  People on both sides unloaded their passionate arguments on how “wronged” they would be if we (my client and me) didn’t side in their favor.   I was caught in an “emotional musical chairs” scenario knowing that someone was going to be even more upset if they were left without a chair. 

There was a part of me that wished both groups would just go away.  The stress, frustrations, and anger (both theirs and mine) were not worth the money.  Yet, I realized that running away from my emotions was also running away from God.  In the heat of the moment, what I was wanting most was relief…not God. 

This is not unusual for me.  When conflicted emotionally, my natural response is to first seek ways to alter my emotional mood rather than seeking God. I’ve also observed that any human gimmicks to mask unpleasant feelings with “positive thinking” is a low road to spiritual maturity. 

So, what’s the lesson here?  The priority when emotional upheaval is not “relief”.  It’s deceptive to believe that “If I feel good, then I must be experiencing God’s blessing”.  Conversely, one of the most distinguishing characteristics of spiritual maturity is seen in how we handle disruptive emotions.

God’s Blessings Are Not Always Wrapped in Feelings We Enjoy

Emotions are a wonderful gift from God…even disruptive ones.  All emotions should be like a “one-way” sign pointing us to God. Positive emotions pointing us to humble gratitude; disturbing emotions signaling us to surrender and trust.

In John 12:27, Jesus experienced emotional upheaval.  He openly declared, “Now my soul is in turmoil, and what should I say— ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No! It was for this very reason that I came to this hour.” (ISP) He modeled how emotional disruptions are the steppingstones to deeper connection and trust with our Father.  (Ponder for a moment how Jesus was “feeling” in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Aren’t you thankful Jesus chose to pursue God rather than a feeling of relief?)

It’s easier to want God to change a circumstance rather than a change in us

This has prompted me to consider how we respond to prayer requests.  Most prayer requests are more focused on “relief” rather than for a deeper relationship with God through the problem.  Requests are usually for something to change (health, job, relationships, etc.) so that life “feels” better. This doesn’t mean we stop praying for someone’s life circumstance to get better.  Rather, we should include a higher vision and purpose by interceding for the person to experience God more richly (Psalm 46:10) and that God will use the circumstances for the greater progress of the Gospel (Philippians 1:12).

So, what did I do with my anxiety from the phone call?  I knew I needed to talk to this man.  I knew it was going to be unpleasant.  Avoiding my anxiety was not the answer.  It was my way of seeking relief outside of God.  I knew that putting it off until tomorrow was just trying to temporarily muffle my fears.   So, before I left the office, I called the man back.  I didn’t enjoy the conversation.   However, I sensed pursuing God in this situation involved me stepping into a tense but needed conversation.  It involved listening well and yet not being bullied or manipulated by another person’s tactics.  The issue was not immediately resolved but the pursuit of God was real.  There was no promise that everyone will be happy, but I’m learning the pursuit of “feeling better” should not be the priority in how I live and work…He is. 

“Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually.”  I Chronicles 16:11 NASB